After All, It's Not About Me

I've always been the kind of person to have lots of dreams and ideas. Growing up, I would frequently plan parties and fun things, dragging my sister along for the ride. In fact, at one point in my childhood, I was so obsessed with planning and dreaming, that I had this desire to constantly be arranging a new event of some sort. I couldn't get enough of it. I don't think it was a bad thing necessarily, but my point is that I dearly love to dream, and even better is a dream come true. Few things are more exhilarating than experiencing what I envisioned.

I feel the culture is constantly dragging me into the current of pursuing what I've dreamed of doing and following my heart. What do I feel? How will this bring fulfilment to me? Will this best serve my long term future? What do I want to do?

Yes, few things are more wonderful and exciting to me than getting to experience a dream - my dream - in its full bloom. But I wonder? Am I missing out on a vastly, undiscovered beauty? What if I would let Jesus make His dreams for me come true? Nothing, no nothing, would be more exhilarating, I am almost sure.

Jesus often gives us dreams and desires so that we can pursue them for His honor and glory. But I've found myself at the point where I am so in love with my dream that I am scarcely willing to be completely ready for whatever it is God might want to call me to, only because I think I have a better plan. Let's be honest, who doesn't want their dream to come true because that's what they've always dreamed of? This in itself is not wrong, but when we come to hold our dreams so tightly that we wouldn't imagine of letting go, something has become skewed in our view of how it all works. It's not about me. Life is not about what I want.

It's all about Jesus. It's about what He has planned.

This is where my dreams must die. Jesus isn't going to force me to embrace His plan for my life, I have to choose it. Yes, He wants me to be dreaming, planning, and envisioning about a better future. Yes, He wants me to ask Him boldly in faith for what I desire. Yet, all this must be done with full surrender to Jesus because of the love I have for Him and the love He has for me.

What it all boils down to, is, can I really trust God? Do I truly believe He is good and has my best in mind? Once I can honestly say "Yes," then I can ask Him in faith to make my desires and dreams a reality. This is not a danger-free place to be in the least, but what is faith without risk? And what is life without faith?

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Go

Like many of you, I was born and raised in a family who serves God, with parents who read and teach the Word. I gave my life to the Lord at a young age, am surrounded by Godly people, and continually see God work in amazing ways.

But I just as easily could have been a starving child in Africa. Or a dying homeless woman on the street, without a clue about Jesus. Or an inmate, with a life of imprisonment ahead of me. Or... any of the many other people who have never heard or seen a true representation of Who Jesus really is.

I don't know why God didn't put me somewhere like that, but what I do know is He didn't put me here to stay here forever. I know Jesus. You know Jesus. Therefore, we have an extremely huge responsibility to take Jesus to the corners of the earth. The darkest, most hateful, lonely, and painful corners.

I love my community, my church, my family, my ministry, but I know that I must carry God's love and shine His light into places where it isn't known. To know is to be responsible, therefore we are all responsible.

I need to leave. We need to leave. There will always be plenty of us staying, but we will always need more to go. Yes, we need to minister wherever we are right now, but this truth does not give us a ticket to always stay where we are. Jesus said, "Go ye into all the world..." He didn't say, "Stay in your communities and preach the gospel." He said go.

I know it's uncomfortable, it's scary, and it's not very fun to hear, but it's the truth. Jesus said it, we have to do it.

Trust. (Part 2)

And God answered. He said "yes" in an incredibly powerful and mind-blowing way. He doesn't always say "yes," but He did this time.

I trusted, He did the rest. Yes, I doubted Him, I wondered if anything was happening, and I was tempted to believe that He wouldn't come through for me. But I had to choose trust. I had to choose to believe in His goodness and the quality of His timing.

It's at times like these where my faith is strengthened and I am reminded that God really does care and His ways are best. Because, had everything gone smoothly, I wouldn't have had the lesson in trust that I did this way. It's also at times like these where the prayers in my journal are something like this...

Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have shown me again and again that You do take care of me and You do keep Your promises that You made in Your Word.... Jesus, I give You all honor, glory, and power....

All glory to the Father. His Name is worthy of all honor and glory and praise.

Trust in Him today. It probably won't be easy and it most likely won't be fun, but trust me, it will be worth it.

Trust. (Part 1)

Even just saying the word is hard. It doesn't slide off the tongue near as easy as "fear" does. It seems every aspect of trust is challenging. Trust cannot simply be given, but is something that must be earned. It cannot be turned off and on and changed out like a light bulb. And while it is fragile, risky, vulnerable, and very scary at times, it is one of the greatest blessings. For what is friendship without trust? What is my relationship to the Creator without complete, vulnerable trust?

So why can't I always just believe in faith that God will come through, instead of swinging back and forth from fear to trust, trust to fear? In my head I knew that God and His ways are good and He will always do what is best for me, but my heart wavered like a blade of grass in the wind... first one way and then another. Doubts came creeping into my mind, forcefully extracting any leftover bits of trust. I was almost at the end of myself. Peace- where was it?

But I waited. I chose to lead my heart to trust again. I chose to believe that God means what He says. I chose to believe His promises. "Trust in the Lord with all you heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil." Proverbs 3:5-7 And I chose to believe that God would do what glorifies Him the most. Peace was present.

It's at these times where I learn the most. When all I have is dependency on God, and there is nothing I can do to make a difference, except trust and pray, pray and trust. These are the times that draw me to Him, leading me closer and closer to His heart. These are the times when the prayers in my journal look like this...

Jesus, thank You for Your peace. Thank You for Your timing. Thank You for Your help and grace.... Thank You for everything You're teaching me.

I trust Your timing, and I truly don't want anything else!

Jesus, You are my ALL. You are all I need....

Glorify yourself  in this situation. I know You will and I trust You in the methods You want to use, even when it doesn't make sense to me or when it's hard to believe that you're working....

I want what You want, Jesus. 

365 Days Without Her

A year ago today.

Shock... Pain... Loss... Confusion... Tears... Grief... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I look back and remember that dark Tuesday. The incredible shock and loss felt impossible to recover from. It felt like the tears would never stop. Everything was shaken. Everything I knew was affected by Anja's death. My friendships, my family, my faith. Pain took on a new meaning. No longer was it far away or vague in any way. It was so clear, yet so confusing; extremely hurtful, though almost numbing. Looking back, I remember the raw pain of shock and loss. But I also remember grace. So, so much grace. God's grace was so close, holding me and all the other hurting people around me.


Today.

Grief... Redemption.  Pain... Healing.  Tears... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I will never forget the life of such an inspiring young woman and friend. I will never forget the terrible pain of her departure. I will always remember the day she left us. But though I remember, grieve, and still feel the pain, I have found healing, again and again. Time comes and goes, and with time comes healing. Jesus brings redemption because He redeems ugly and terrible things. He takes bad things and turns them into beautiful things. It's still so hard to understand sometimes, but God's grace isn't any less than it was the day she passed away. I am amazed to look back and realize how far God has brought me. He never gave up on me. He never left my side even when I doubted His goodness. His grace has always been there and it still is.


The heart of Jesus is beautiful, though He took all pain and sin on Himself. May He turn my heart more towards Him, shaping me to be like His heart - strong, soft, and beautiful, full of love and grace.

Reflection

Photo credit: Trish Miller

Photo credit: Trish Miller

Content, But Not Comfortable

The soul must continually be inspired and renewed. For as still waters become stagnant, so does a soul that never knows new things. If one is never allowed to see new things, to know new things, or to at least see normal things in a new way, how will the soul gain new vision? How will they know anything different? How will they care for others who have completely different worlds than they do? How will we care for people who have completely different worlds than we do, if we have never known anything but our own pain, our own people, and selfishly discovered beauty? 

Though one may be content with where he is, he must broaden his horizon, his view, his experiences... He must see more beautiful things, discover more wonder, and find more mysteries. For there is great danger in residing where one is completely comfortable with the beauty, pain, and people that surround him. Contentment and comfort are not the same; in fact, they can be complete opposites. 

Therefore, though I strive to be content, I refuse to remain fully comfortable. May we never be so close to full comfort that we become discontent with the slightest bit of discomfort.

Me, or JESUS?

"...whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." Galatians 6:7-10, ESV

Paul encourages the Galatians to keep on going because there will be a reward one day, but he adds, "if we do not give up," a short but very important little clause. This whole passage is so true to my life, because I find that as I am sowing to the Spirit, I fall, and my flesh wants to take over, and as I fight to stay in the Spirit and deny my flesh, I become weary. Weary of do good, and tired of trying so hard. And alas, I give up.

But where is Redemption? Am I alone? Is all hope of reaping good things gone?

What are the answers?

JESUS. Yes, just, JESUS.

Anything I try doing on my own is nothing - totally feeble and inadequate. So I have to have someone strong and all-sufficient holding me, giving me strength, cheering me on in the high times and carrying me in the low times, and doing it all for me when I don't know how.

It all boils down to who I rely on - me, or JESUS. It is a choice, and one I should consciously make daily.

I will choose JESUS. The One Who never grows weary. The One Who never gives up on me. When I am in Him, I will have enough strength to never get weary, enough grace to never give up, and enough time to serve those He has called me to serve today.

Finally I will reap the good fruit I have worked for, not because of me, but because of JESUS.

Think about it, who do you rely on? You, or JESUS? 

"Not Right Now"

Wow.  I just read an amazing essay on The Rabbit Room by Jason Gray, inspired by his equally great song, "Not Right Now."  I wanted you all to know about it so you can benefit from it as well.  It is powerful.  He realistically addresses pain in how we should relate to people who are hurting and also touches so truly on how it is to be hurting.  I really recommend that you listen to the song and read his words about it.  You can do so by visiting The Rabbit Room here.

Reality

In this post I said how love is like a sword without a handle.  I talked about how I know that it hurts and takes sacrifice to love.  Following that post, I wrote this one, saying how it takes risk to love and sometimes takes us where we're not comfortable.  But those were only blog posts.  Sure, in the latter one I told a true story, but mostly they were only words on a page or screen.  Hopefully they had meaning, but to some extent they were probably just mere thoughts in our minds, slipping into the "forgotten folder" before we realized it.

Truly being hurt, though, is different.  It actually hurts, unlike just writing or reading about it.  I question, Why does God let hurtful things happen to those he loves?  Could it be so we know how it feels when others get hurt?  Is it because God wants us to actually hurt for other people, and if we'd never be hurt ourselves, how could we hurt for them?

I know little children who have had more hurtful things done to them than many of us have ever experienced in our whole lives.  Already, their hearts are fragile and broken.  How then, will we care for them if we cannot identify with their pain even to just some small extent?

Just having passed Valentine's Day, the ever famous "love day," I ask again, Why do we get hurt when we love?  Because in reality, love isn't about roses and chocolate, accompanied by all things pink, red, and white.  Sure, Valentine's Day is a fine day to celebrate those we love, but going from day to day, love doesn't always feel beautiful and is more about giving up my rights, forgiving again and again, and putting others' needs and wants before mine.

Maybe it's best explained in a song called, "Yet," by Switchfoot.  The bridge goes like this:

If it doesn't break, if it doesn't break, if it doesn't break
If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love
No, if it doesn't break your heart, it's not enough
It's when you're breaking down with your insides coming out
That's when you find out what your heart is made of

So true.  When our hearts break, that's when we're really giving, really loving.  It's not about us, and how hurt we may feel, it's about other people, and how we can love Jesus by truly loving them.  The reality is, it hurts to love, but Jesus was hurt even more.  Being hurt by love isn't beautiful, but beautiful Love was hurt, so He will make all hurt beautiful.

The Apron of a Servant

I came across this quote by Jon Foreman, written in an article in the magazine Relevant: “But I think the point is ultimately not about me. And if you approach the world with the apron of a servant, then you are allowed to go places that you can’t go if you approach it with the crown of a king.”

I thought his point was so incredibly powerful, for I am so guilty of it myself. The storyline is not about me, so why not serve instead of parade? 

The One Who served all, is now Who I can serve by serving all. 

Lead Me To The Rock

When hard and ugly things happen, things I can't explain or understand, and it's hard to feel anything but the waves of hurt and pain, I know Who holds me.  When so much seems unstable and unpredictable, especially me, I know Who is the One who steadies me. When it's hard to pray or even think clearly, and nothing comes easily except the tears, I know Who comforts me.

I know all these things, yet I need to be reminded.  I need to hear it again and again.

Psalm 61 is an incredible reminder of His promises.  "Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer....when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For thou hast been a strong shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy....So will I sing praise unto thy name for ever..."

Jesus, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.  Lead me to You.  

May you too, be led to the Rock this Christmas season.

Risk: To Take, or Not To Take

It's kind of a bummer having a post like this right after the one from yesterday, but life is real and I mess up. Therefore, this blog is real along with the mistakes. 

Standing in the check out line at the Dollar General today, I noticed a sweet elderly lady standing behind us. Her pretty face was full of beautiful wrinkles and as my eyes met hers, her face lit up with a beautiful, almost toothless smile. 

There was something about that smile. It was as if we had been friends for a long time or like she was genuinely glad to see me. It wasn't a smile from the surface, it felt like a smile from her heart. 

She looked like a survivor of much pain, yet she radiated joy. Maybe her smile was genuine because of the pain. I don't know her situation, nor her heart, but still, there was something so captivating about her smile. 

I thought maybe I should talk with her. Maybe she didn't know about Jesus, and besides it seemed like she would make a sweet friend. But I just couldn't get up my courage. I watched as she paid for her items and briefly sat down beside the door. As we walked outside into the cold, I wished her a merry Christmas. 

But that's it. I didn't say anything else. 

As we went on our way, I saw her walk across the street in the cold. 

Now all I can do for her is pray. I wish now I would have made the effort to be a friend to her. Maybe I could have even taken her to church sometime or brought her out to my house. We could have laughed with each other and every time she smiled I could have seen her sweet joy within. 

I make mistakes and sometimes I'm afraid to pick up that sword called love. I don't know what will happen if I do. It takes risk, and I don't always want to take it. 

I pray for courage and I pray for boldness. God will give me another chance because his grace abounds. Don't do what I did; take the risk. 

To Swing a Sword

In his book Love Does, Bob Goff says, "...the Bible said the only weapon any of us really has is love. But it's love like a sword without a handle and because of that, sometimes we'll get cut when we pick it up...." 

I want to pick it up and start swinging, but I know it takes sacrifice. It hurts sometimes and it doesn't all feel good. 

I don't just want to set it beside me only because it won't hurt me that way. I want to go all out, nothing missing. Jesus went all out and beyond. He gave everything. His love was all out, but so was the pain and the suffering. 

Let's all pick up His love and do something. Let's start somewhere. Let's start swinging. 

"Without Running Away"

If love were something we could buy, the cost would be unfathomable.  If it were something we could make or create, it would take longer than many lifetimes to even slightly begin.  If love had not been given to us freely, we could never have been loved, and much less, could we have given love away.  Love comes with a high price, and sometimes that price is pain.  When we take the risk of loving someone, we take the risk of missing them when they're gone.  We take the risk of being hurt by their departure.   Sometimes grief is the price we pay for love.  Thank you, Jesus, for already carrying the pain for me.

"Without Running Away" is an incredible song by Jason Gray.  The meaning is very deep.  Will I dare to keep loving even when it hurts?  Will we keep risking to love each other?

  "Without Running Away"

  by Jason Gray

I’ve spent some days looking

For a length of rope

And a place to hang it

From the end of my hope

But where I thought hope had ended

I always find a little bit more

It’s not like I’m trying

To be optimistic

If the truth be told

I’d rather dismiss it

And be free of the burden

Of the living that hoping requires

To bring my heart

To every day

And run the risk of fearlessly loving

Without running away

Jesus is speaking

But it’s so hard to hear

When disciples with swords

Are cutting off ears

Broken and bleeding

I’m waiting for healing to come

But wounded’s a part

That I’ve learned to play well

Though the wound may run deeper

Than I know how to tell

Where pain’s an addiction

That keeps me buried alive

But when it’s all that I know

I’m afraid to leave it behind

And bring my heart

To every day

And run the risk of fearlessly loving

Without running away

My heart is not lifted up

My eyes are not lifted up

But calm and quiet is my soul

Like a child with its mother is my soul

After a while in the dark

Your eyes will adjust

In the shadows you’ll find

The hand you can trust

And the still small voice

That calls like the rising sun

Come

And bring your heart

To every day

Run the risk of fearlessly loving

Without running away

You must run the risk of fearlessly loving

Without running away

The Lover, The Healer

What is ministry?  How do I view it?  Not what ministries are there, but what does actual ministry mean to me?  When do I minister to others?  Is it constant or is it conditional?

Ministry should not be a switch I can turn on and off.  I shouldn't be able to flip into "ministry mode" just when I feel like it, neither should I blindly go about my daily business, blocking out the hurt that is literally walking around me.  Because the love of Jesus is not a switch.  It flows constantly and unconditionally, hurting and rejoicing with others, all the time.  When this love is in me and going out of me, then can I love constantly and unconditionally.  Then I can hurt with those who are hurting and rejoice with those who are rejoicing.

Just look into the eyes of the people around you, look into them with the eyes of Jesus, then you can see the hurt.  You can feel the pain and the brokenness.  They need to know that there is hope for them, that Love is waiting for them.  Help them see the One who sees you when you are broken and hurt.  You can't change them or fix their problems, but you can love them.

If I can more fully grasp what has been done for me, the healing that I have been given and the love that was poured out for me, then ministry will be full time for me.  It will not be a shift that I take or a switch that I flip.  It will be my lifestyle.  Love will be my lifestyle, because Jesus is my all in all.

This is not something that happens overnight, it is something I grow in.  I learn to obey His Holy Spirit, and to accept His forgiveness when I fail.  I cannot love on my own, I cannot care on my own, I cannot even see without Jesus.  But Jesus is strongest at my weakest.  He will do the loving and the caring through me.

Dare to Be Honest

She loves God, she wants to serve Him, and she believes in Him.  She prays hard, God answers, and yet life is rough.  She knows God is real.  She knows He loves her.  But it's not easy to to believe it.  She struggles as her faith takes a dip, and she becomes weak.  The enemy takes his chance to attack while her walls are down.  She knows she is empty and vulnerable, and waits for God to fill her up.  They ask her how she is, and she says "good," because that is what she is expected to say.

Why, when I am going through a time like this, can't I just be honest?  Why do I feel like I have to appear "peachy-keen" like everyone else?

It's like a vicious cycle in the Church today, because most people don't dare to put themselves out there and be vulnerable because they think others will think badly of them.  So when they don't share, they look as if they had everything together, and then the next person does the same thing, and so on.  I do it too.  But really, it's all a lie.  If I struggle with the fear of what others think of me (which I do), it should be cast out, because it certainly is fear of man.  But for me personally, when others share what they are struggling with, it makes me admire them for their honesty, and if nothing else, comforts me that others are struggling too.

Really, we're all in this together.  I want to do my part to make the church environment a safe place.  I'm not saying that every time someone asks us how we are, we have to give them our life stories, I'm just saying, lets dare to be honest.  Let's dare to make those around us feel safe.

When unbelievers come into our churches, do we want them to see a group of "perfect" looking people who have everything in life together?  Or do we want them to see a body of believers, banned together for one purpose, obviously human, but obviously saved?  If the latter will give them a glimpse of Jesus, it will be worth it to dare to be honest.

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:35

For Keeps

Sometimes you make new friends and connect well with them, but there's nothing like those friends who have always been in your life.  Who knew you ever since you were born, and when you get back together you connect once again, and it's largely to do with the fact that you grew up together.  You go way back, and have countless memories together, good, funny, and crazy.  

Melanie, Anja, and, Cindi have been those friends for me, along with others in the Miller family.  Thanks guys, you all are awesome!  Reunions are a great time to take pictures with family/friends, and thanks to Trish, it actually happened.  Peace out, everyone!