365 Days Without Her

A year ago today.

Shock... Pain... Loss... Confusion... Tears... Grief... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I look back and remember that dark Tuesday. The incredible shock and loss felt impossible to recover from. It felt like the tears would never stop. Everything was shaken. Everything I knew was affected by Anja's death. My friendships, my family, my faith. Pain took on a new meaning. No longer was it far away or vague in any way. It was so clear, yet so confusing; extremely hurtful, though almost numbing. Looking back, I remember the raw pain of shock and loss. But I also remember grace. So, so much grace. God's grace was so close, holding me and all the other hurting people around me.


Today.

Grief... Redemption.  Pain... Healing.  Tears... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I will never forget the life of such an inspiring young woman and friend. I will never forget the terrible pain of her departure. I will always remember the day she left us. But though I remember, grieve, and still feel the pain, I have found healing, again and again. Time comes and goes, and with time comes healing. Jesus brings redemption because He redeems ugly and terrible things. He takes bad things and turns them into beautiful things. It's still so hard to understand sometimes, but God's grace isn't any less than it was the day she passed away. I am amazed to look back and realize how far God has brought me. He never gave up on me. He never left my side even when I doubted His goodness. His grace has always been there and it still is.


The heart of Jesus is beautiful, though He took all pain and sin on Himself. May He turn my heart more towards Him, shaping me to be like His heart - strong, soft, and beautiful, full of love and grace.