After All, It's Not About Me

I've always been the kind of person to have lots of dreams and ideas. Growing up, I would frequently plan parties and fun things, dragging my sister along for the ride. In fact, at one point in my childhood, I was so obsessed with planning and dreaming, that I had this desire to constantly be arranging a new event of some sort. I couldn't get enough of it. I don't think it was a bad thing necessarily, but my point is that I dearly love to dream, and even better is a dream come true. Few things are more exhilarating than experiencing what I envisioned.

I feel the culture is constantly dragging me into the current of pursuing what I've dreamed of doing and following my heart. What do I feel? How will this bring fulfilment to me? Will this best serve my long term future? What do I want to do?

Yes, few things are more wonderful and exciting to me than getting to experience a dream - my dream - in its full bloom. But I wonder? Am I missing out on a vastly, undiscovered beauty? What if I would let Jesus make His dreams for me come true? Nothing, no nothing, would be more exhilarating, I am almost sure.

Jesus often gives us dreams and desires so that we can pursue them for His honor and glory. But I've found myself at the point where I am so in love with my dream that I am scarcely willing to be completely ready for whatever it is God might want to call me to, only because I think I have a better plan. Let's be honest, who doesn't want their dream to come true because that's what they've always dreamed of? This in itself is not wrong, but when we come to hold our dreams so tightly that we wouldn't imagine of letting go, something has become skewed in our view of how it all works. It's not about me. Life is not about what I want.

It's all about Jesus. It's about what He has planned.

This is where my dreams must die. Jesus isn't going to force me to embrace His plan for my life, I have to choose it. Yes, He wants me to be dreaming, planning, and envisioning about a better future. Yes, He wants me to ask Him boldly in faith for what I desire. Yet, all this must be done with full surrender to Jesus because of the love I have for Him and the love He has for me.

What it all boils down to, is, can I really trust God? Do I truly believe He is good and has my best in mind? Once I can honestly say "Yes," then I can ask Him in faith to make my desires and dreams a reality. This is not a danger-free place to be in the least, but what is faith without risk? And what is life without faith?

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Go

Like many of you, I was born and raised in a family who serves God, with parents who read and teach the Word. I gave my life to the Lord at a young age, am surrounded by Godly people, and continually see God work in amazing ways.

But I just as easily could have been a starving child in Africa. Or a dying homeless woman on the street, without a clue about Jesus. Or an inmate, with a life of imprisonment ahead of me. Or... any of the many other people who have never heard or seen a true representation of Who Jesus really is.

I don't know why God didn't put me somewhere like that, but what I do know is He didn't put me here to stay here forever. I know Jesus. You know Jesus. Therefore, we have an extremely huge responsibility to take Jesus to the corners of the earth. The darkest, most hateful, lonely, and painful corners.

I love my community, my church, my family, my ministry, but I know that I must carry God's love and shine His light into places where it isn't known. To know is to be responsible, therefore we are all responsible.

I need to leave. We need to leave. There will always be plenty of us staying, but we will always need more to go. Yes, we need to minister wherever we are right now, but this truth does not give us a ticket to always stay where we are. Jesus said, "Go ye into all the world..." He didn't say, "Stay in your communities and preach the gospel." He said go.

I know it's uncomfortable, it's scary, and it's not very fun to hear, but it's the truth. Jesus said it, we have to do it.

Trust. (Part 2)

And God answered. He said "yes" in an incredibly powerful and mind-blowing way. He doesn't always say "yes," but He did this time.

I trusted, He did the rest. Yes, I doubted Him, I wondered if anything was happening, and I was tempted to believe that He wouldn't come through for me. But I had to choose trust. I had to choose to believe in His goodness and the quality of His timing.

It's at times like these where my faith is strengthened and I am reminded that God really does care and His ways are best. Because, had everything gone smoothly, I wouldn't have had the lesson in trust that I did this way. It's also at times like these where the prayers in my journal are something like this...

Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have shown me again and again that You do take care of me and You do keep Your promises that You made in Your Word.... Jesus, I give You all honor, glory, and power....

All glory to the Father. His Name is worthy of all honor and glory and praise.

Trust in Him today. It probably won't be easy and it most likely won't be fun, but trust me, it will be worth it.

Trust. (Part 1)

Even just saying the word is hard. It doesn't slide off the tongue near as easy as "fear" does. It seems every aspect of trust is challenging. Trust cannot simply be given, but is something that must be earned. It cannot be turned off and on and changed out like a light bulb. And while it is fragile, risky, vulnerable, and very scary at times, it is one of the greatest blessings. For what is friendship without trust? What is my relationship to the Creator without complete, vulnerable trust?

So why can't I always just believe in faith that God will come through, instead of swinging back and forth from fear to trust, trust to fear? In my head I knew that God and His ways are good and He will always do what is best for me, but my heart wavered like a blade of grass in the wind... first one way and then another. Doubts came creeping into my mind, forcefully extracting any leftover bits of trust. I was almost at the end of myself. Peace- where was it?

But I waited. I chose to lead my heart to trust again. I chose to believe that God means what He says. I chose to believe His promises. "Trust in the Lord with all you heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil." Proverbs 3:5-7 And I chose to believe that God would do what glorifies Him the most. Peace was present.

It's at these times where I learn the most. When all I have is dependency on God, and there is nothing I can do to make a difference, except trust and pray, pray and trust. These are the times that draw me to Him, leading me closer and closer to His heart. These are the times when the prayers in my journal look like this...

Jesus, thank You for Your peace. Thank You for Your timing. Thank You for Your help and grace.... Thank You for everything You're teaching me.

I trust Your timing, and I truly don't want anything else!

Jesus, You are my ALL. You are all I need....

Glorify yourself  in this situation. I know You will and I trust You in the methods You want to use, even when it doesn't make sense to me or when it's hard to believe that you're working....

I want what You want, Jesus. 

365 Days Without Her

A year ago today.

Shock... Pain... Loss... Confusion... Tears... Grief... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I look back and remember that dark Tuesday. The incredible shock and loss felt impossible to recover from. It felt like the tears would never stop. Everything was shaken. Everything I knew was affected by Anja's death. My friendships, my family, my faith. Pain took on a new meaning. No longer was it far away or vague in any way. It was so clear, yet so confusing; extremely hurtful, though almost numbing. Looking back, I remember the raw pain of shock and loss. But I also remember grace. So, so much grace. God's grace was so close, holding me and all the other hurting people around me.


Today.

Grief... Redemption.  Pain... Healing.  Tears... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I will never forget the life of such an inspiring young woman and friend. I will never forget the terrible pain of her departure. I will always remember the day she left us. But though I remember, grieve, and still feel the pain, I have found healing, again and again. Time comes and goes, and with time comes healing. Jesus brings redemption because He redeems ugly and terrible things. He takes bad things and turns them into beautiful things. It's still so hard to understand sometimes, but God's grace isn't any less than it was the day she passed away. I am amazed to look back and realize how far God has brought me. He never gave up on me. He never left my side even when I doubted His goodness. His grace has always been there and it still is.


The heart of Jesus is beautiful, though He took all pain and sin on Himself. May He turn my heart more towards Him, shaping me to be like His heart - strong, soft, and beautiful, full of love and grace.

Reflection

Photo credit: Trish Miller

Photo credit: Trish Miller

Content, But Not Comfortable

The soul must continually be inspired and renewed. For as still waters become stagnant, so does a soul that never knows new things. If one is never allowed to see new things, to know new things, or to at least see normal things in a new way, how will the soul gain new vision? How will they know anything different? How will they care for others who have completely different worlds than they do? How will we care for people who have completely different worlds than we do, if we have never known anything but our own pain, our own people, and selfishly discovered beauty? 

Though one may be content with where he is, he must broaden his horizon, his view, his experiences... He must see more beautiful things, discover more wonder, and find more mysteries. For there is great danger in residing where one is completely comfortable with the beauty, pain, and people that surround him. Contentment and comfort are not the same; in fact, they can be complete opposites. 

Therefore, though I strive to be content, I refuse to remain fully comfortable. May we never be so close to full comfort that we become discontent with the slightest bit of discomfort.