Go

Like many of you, I was born and raised in a family who serves God, with parents who read and teach the Word. I gave my life to the Lord at a young age, am surrounded by Godly people, and continually see God work in amazing ways.

But I just as easily could have been a starving child in Africa. Or a dying homeless woman on the street, without a clue about Jesus. Or an inmate, with a life of imprisonment ahead of me. Or... any of the many other people who have never heard or seen a true representation of Who Jesus really is.

I don't know why God didn't put me somewhere like that, but what I do know is He didn't put me here to stay here forever. I know Jesus. You know Jesus. Therefore, we have an extremely huge responsibility to take Jesus to the corners of the earth. The darkest, most hateful, lonely, and painful corners.

I love my community, my church, my family, my ministry, but I know that I must carry God's love and shine His light into places where it isn't known. To know is to be responsible, therefore we are all responsible.

I need to leave. We need to leave. There will always be plenty of us staying, but we will always need more to go. Yes, we need to minister wherever we are right now, but this truth does not give us a ticket to always stay where we are. Jesus said, "Go ye into all the world..." He didn't say, "Stay in your communities and preach the gospel." He said go.

I know it's uncomfortable, it's scary, and it's not very fun to hear, but it's the truth. Jesus said it, we have to do it.

Trust. (Part 2)

And God answered. He said "yes" in an incredibly powerful and mind-blowing way. He doesn't always say "yes," but He did this time.

I trusted, He did the rest. Yes, I doubted Him, I wondered if anything was happening, and I was tempted to believe that He wouldn't come through for me. But I had to choose trust. I had to choose to believe in His goodness and the quality of His timing.

It's at times like these where my faith is strengthened and I am reminded that God really does care and His ways are best. Because, had everything gone smoothly, I wouldn't have had the lesson in trust that I did this way. It's also at times like these where the prayers in my journal are something like this...

Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have shown me again and again that You do take care of me and You do keep Your promises that You made in Your Word.... Jesus, I give You all honor, glory, and power....

All glory to the Father. His Name is worthy of all honor and glory and praise.

Trust in Him today. It probably won't be easy and it most likely won't be fun, but trust me, it will be worth it.

Trust. (Part 1)

Even just saying the word is hard. It doesn't slide off the tongue near as easy as "fear" does. It seems every aspect of trust is challenging. Trust cannot simply be given, but is something that must be earned. It cannot be turned off and on and changed out like a light bulb. And while it is fragile, risky, vulnerable, and very scary at times, it is one of the greatest blessings. For what is friendship without trust? What is my relationship to the Creator without complete, vulnerable trust?

So why can't I always just believe in faith that God will come through, instead of swinging back and forth from fear to trust, trust to fear? In my head I knew that God and His ways are good and He will always do what is best for me, but my heart wavered like a blade of grass in the wind... first one way and then another. Doubts came creeping into my mind, forcefully extracting any leftover bits of trust. I was almost at the end of myself. Peace- where was it?

But I waited. I chose to lead my heart to trust again. I chose to believe that God means what He says. I chose to believe His promises. "Trust in the Lord with all you heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil." Proverbs 3:5-7 And I chose to believe that God would do what glorifies Him the most. Peace was present.

It's at these times where I learn the most. When all I have is dependency on God, and there is nothing I can do to make a difference, except trust and pray, pray and trust. These are the times that draw me to Him, leading me closer and closer to His heart. These are the times when the prayers in my journal look like this...

Jesus, thank You for Your peace. Thank You for Your timing. Thank You for Your help and grace.... Thank You for everything You're teaching me.

I trust Your timing, and I truly don't want anything else!

Jesus, You are my ALL. You are all I need....

Glorify yourself  in this situation. I know You will and I trust You in the methods You want to use, even when it doesn't make sense to me or when it's hard to believe that you're working....

I want what You want, Jesus. 

365 Days Without Her

A year ago today.

Shock... Pain... Loss... Confusion... Tears... Grief... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I look back and remember that dark Tuesday. The incredible shock and loss felt impossible to recover from. It felt like the tears would never stop. Everything was shaken. Everything I knew was affected by Anja's death. My friendships, my family, my faith. Pain took on a new meaning. No longer was it far away or vague in any way. It was so clear, yet so confusing; extremely hurtful, though almost numbing. Looking back, I remember the raw pain of shock and loss. But I also remember grace. So, so much grace. God's grace was so close, holding me and all the other hurting people around me.


Today.

Grief... Redemption.  Pain... Healing.  Tears... Grace. Unimaginable grace.

I will never forget the life of such an inspiring young woman and friend. I will never forget the terrible pain of her departure. I will always remember the day she left us. But though I remember, grieve, and still feel the pain, I have found healing, again and again. Time comes and goes, and with time comes healing. Jesus brings redemption because He redeems ugly and terrible things. He takes bad things and turns them into beautiful things. It's still so hard to understand sometimes, but God's grace isn't any less than it was the day she passed away. I am amazed to look back and realize how far God has brought me. He never gave up on me. He never left my side even when I doubted His goodness. His grace has always been there and it still is.


The heart of Jesus is beautiful, though He took all pain and sin on Himself. May He turn my heart more towards Him, shaping me to be like His heart - strong, soft, and beautiful, full of love and grace.

Reflection

Photo credit: Trish Miller

Photo credit: Trish Miller

Content, But Not Comfortable

The soul must continually be inspired and renewed. For as still waters become stagnant, so does a soul that never knows new things. If one is never allowed to see new things, to know new things, or to at least see normal things in a new way, how will the soul gain new vision? How will they know anything different? How will they care for others who have completely different worlds than they do? How will we care for people who have completely different worlds than we do, if we have never known anything but our own pain, our own people, and selfishly discovered beauty? 

Though one may be content with where he is, he must broaden his horizon, his view, his experiences... He must see more beautiful things, discover more wonder, and find more mysteries. For there is great danger in residing where one is completely comfortable with the beauty, pain, and people that surround him. Contentment and comfort are not the same; in fact, they can be complete opposites. 

Therefore, though I strive to be content, I refuse to remain fully comfortable. May we never be so close to full comfort that we become discontent with the slightest bit of discomfort.

Me, or JESUS?

"...whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." Galatians 6:7-10, ESV

Paul encourages the Galatians to keep on going because there will be a reward one day, but he adds, "if we do not give up," a short but very important little clause. This whole passage is so true to my life, because I find that as I am sowing to the Spirit, I fall, and my flesh wants to take over, and as I fight to stay in the Spirit and deny my flesh, I become weary. Weary of do good, and tired of trying so hard. And alas, I give up.

But where is Redemption? Am I alone? Is all hope of reaping good things gone?

What are the answers?

JESUS. Yes, just, JESUS.

Anything I try doing on my own is nothing - totally feeble and inadequate. So I have to have someone strong and all-sufficient holding me, giving me strength, cheering me on in the high times and carrying me in the low times, and doing it all for me when I don't know how.

It all boils down to who I rely on - me, or JESUS. It is a choice, and one I should consciously make daily.

I will choose JESUS. The One Who never grows weary. The One Who never gives up on me. When I am in Him, I will have enough strength to never get weary, enough grace to never give up, and enough time to serve those He has called me to serve today.

Finally I will reap the good fruit I have worked for, not because of me, but because of JESUS.

Think about it, who do you rely on? You, or JESUS? 

"Not Right Now"

Wow.  I just read an amazing essay on The Rabbit Room by Jason Gray, inspired by his equally great song, "Not Right Now."  I wanted you all to know about it so you can benefit from it as well.  It is powerful.  He realistically addresses pain in how we should relate to people who are hurting and also touches so truly on how it is to be hurting.  I really recommend that you listen to the song and read his words about it.  You can do so by visiting The Rabbit Room here.

Reality

In this post I said how love is like a sword without a handle.  I talked about how I know that it hurts and takes sacrifice to love.  Following that post, I wrote this one, saying how it takes risk to love and sometimes takes us where we're not comfortable.  But those were only blog posts.  Sure, in the latter one I told a true story, but mostly they were only words on a page or screen.  Hopefully they had meaning, but to some extent they were probably just mere thoughts in our minds, slipping into the "forgotten folder" before we realized it.

Truly being hurt, though, is different.  It actually hurts, unlike just writing or reading about it.  I question, Why does God let hurtful things happen to those he loves?  Could it be so we know how it feels when others get hurt?  Is it because God wants us to actually hurt for other people, and if we'd never be hurt ourselves, how could we hurt for them?

I know little children who have had more hurtful things done to them than many of us have ever experienced in our whole lives.  Already, their hearts are fragile and broken.  How then, will we care for them if we cannot identify with their pain even to just some small extent?

Just having passed Valentine's Day, the ever famous "love day," I ask again, Why do we get hurt when we love?  Because in reality, love isn't about roses and chocolate, accompanied by all things pink, red, and white.  Sure, Valentine's Day is a fine day to celebrate those we love, but going from day to day, love doesn't always feel beautiful and is more about giving up my rights, forgiving again and again, and putting others' needs and wants before mine.

Maybe it's best explained in a song called, "Yet," by Switchfoot.  The bridge goes like this:

If it doesn't break, if it doesn't break, if it doesn't break
If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love
No, if it doesn't break your heart, it's not enough
It's when you're breaking down with your insides coming out
That's when you find out what your heart is made of

So true.  When our hearts break, that's when we're really giving, really loving.  It's not about us, and how hurt we may feel, it's about other people, and how we can love Jesus by truly loving them.  The reality is, it hurts to love, but Jesus was hurt even more.  Being hurt by love isn't beautiful, but beautiful Love was hurt, so He will make all hurt beautiful.

The Apron of a Servant

I came across this quote by Jon Foreman, written in an article in the magazine Relevant: “But I think the point is ultimately not about me. And if you approach the world with the apron of a servant, then you are allowed to go places that you can’t go if you approach it with the crown of a king.”

I thought his point was so incredibly powerful, for I am so guilty of it myself. The storyline is not about me, so why not serve instead of parade? 

The One Who served all, is now Who I can serve by serving all.